I'm going to kill myself

No, not physically. I promise I'm not going to do myself any bodily harm. I'm not even depressed. But it got your attention, huh?! But this post is about killing myself. I've been a "Christian" now for about 11 1/2 years. I still remember that night on August 29th, 2000 when I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. Or so I thought. I gave up the drugs and jumped right into getting involved at church. Since then God has heaped blessings on my life. He has always been faithful to me and blessed me with far more than I need. But thinking about it, I didn't really surrender my life to Jesus that night. What I did was realize that I wasn't in control of my life and I acknowledged His right to be worshiped by me. But after a little while, heavy drinking replaced the drug habit. After a couple of years I realized what I was doing and gave up going to the bars. Even then I was still promiscuous (a habit that started with doing drugs) and I didn't give that up until I was married. That is still the past habit that I am the very most ashamed of. But I have been faithful to my husband since we met. Drugs, drinking, promiscuity. All those were behind me once I got married. But God has recently revealed to me two issues that I haven't surrendered to Him. The first is food. I've struggled with self-control over food since I was a kid. I guess its that instant gratification thing, but I would do anything for a brownie (or a cookie, or ice cream...). You might laugh at that, but it was true. It caused a lot of trouble when I was a child in my parent's house and it continues to cause problems in my marriage. The second is that all the bad habits that I gave up were replaced with the internet. Namely Facebook and gaming. I spend so much time on Facebook that I neglect the rest of my responsibilities. This habit has distanced me from my husband and my children and caused me to be derelict in my duties around the house.

These same habits are the evidence of my stagnant relationship with Jesus. I still remember the overwhelming joy I felt as a new Christian. But now I believe that I stand with the church of Ephesus when Jesus spoke to them in Revelation 2:2-5: "I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot tolerate evil men, and you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you found them to be false; and you have perseverance and have endured for My name's sake, and have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you you have left your first love. Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first; or else I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place—unless you repent." This describes me now. Except for one thing. I am so weary. I've not stopped doing ministry because of this, but I am. I am weary. I am tired and I have nothing to renew me. I've been aware of this for awhile. I've tried reaching out to God. But I wanted Him to do all the work. I wanted Him to renew me, but I wasn't willing to change. It reminds me of a spouse who has neglected their marriage. They want to stay married, they really do love their spouse, but they aren't willing to work in order to do that. They don't want to give up the things they love doing. That's been me.

Recently my life-group (small group) at church has been going through Kyle Idleman's book, Not A Fan: Becoming a completely committed follower of Jesus. I thought I was a follower. And while I was convicted that I had a lot of room for improvement as I read the book, I continued to think that up until I got to Chapters 10 and 11. That's when Idleman started saying things like, "That's how a fan will try and follow Jesus. A fan will try and accept the invitation of Christ to follow, but they don't want to say no to themselves. In Luke 9:23 Jesus makes it clear that if we are going to follow him, a casual no-strings-attached arrangement isn't a possibility: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself..." ". Uh oh! Well, I certainly haven't been denying myself. So what does that make me? I started to think that I just might be more fan than follower. Again in chapter 10 Idleman talks about a man who "wanted to be close enough to Jesus to have eternal life, but not so close that it required personal sacrifice." Hm. Then he got serious!

"The image of slave provides a picture of what "deny yourself" looks like. A slave has no right. A slave has no possessions to call their own. A slave in Jesus' day didn't even have a personal identity. A slave doesn't get time off or get to clock out at the end of the day. A slave doesn't get to negotiate. [I am particularly guilty of this]. But "slave" is the way many of the followers of Christ introduced themselves. When Peter began 2 Peter, he didn't introduce himself by saying, "Peter, a best friend of Jesus, present at the Mount of Transfiguration, preacher on the day of Pentecost." Instead, he simply says, "Simon Peter, a slave..." (NLT). John, Timothy, and Jude all give themselves the same title. James doesn't begin his letter by saying, "James, the half brother of the Son of God." He begins by saying, "James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ" (NLT)" Geez Louise, Kyle Idleman, that's a hard teaching! But he goes on.

"We think of "Lord" as a synonym for "God". But in the New Testament when followers refer to Jesus as Lord, that is not a reference to his divine status or his heavenly residence. the word they were using wasn't Yahweh. Instead the word that is translated as Lord in the New Testament is most often the word Kurios. It shows up hundreds of times. And Kurios is a slavery word. Kurios is the word given to the master or owner of the slave. The other word we need to understand is the word doulos. That's the word used to describe a follower. The definition of this word isn't difficult. It is a word that is most accurately translated as slave. Really "slave" is the only way the word should be translated. That word appears about 130 times in the New Testament. For a number of different reasons that word is usually translated as "servant" in Scripture. But the most literal translation is "slave." That's without question the way readers would have heard it. But there is a huge difference. A servant works for someone; a slave is owned by someone. With these words in mind, what I'm about to say seems like it should be pretty obvious but may come as a surprise to fans: You can't call Jesus Lord without declaring yourself his slave." Okay wow. To be honest, I really don't like the idea of being a slave. I want to follow Jesus, but am I willing to be a slave? I almost put the book down right there. And I certainly stopped calling Jesus "Lord". But Idleman keeps going.

"...why would anyone ever choose to be a slave? Who signs up for that? Well did you notice in Deuteronomy 15 what the motivation is for someone to choose slavery? Look at it again. "But if your servant says to you, 'I do not want to leave you,' because he loves you and your family and is well off with you....." A slave realizes as crazy as it might seem to everyone else, as ridiculous as it might appear to those who don't understand, he's going to choose a life of slavery. He loves his master and realizes that he's better off as a slave. So out of love we become a slave to Jesus. When you finally surrender all that you have and all that you are you will discover the strangest thing. It's only by becoming a slave to Jesus that we ever truly find freedom. ..... it's only when we deny ourselves that we truly discover the joy of following Christ. Jesus invites you to deny yourself. He invites you to be a slave. But as a slave may I tell you about my master. My master will provide for you. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills; he can take care of your needs. My master will protect you. He speaks and even the wind and the waves obey him. My master has the power to forgive sins. If being a slave to sin has left you broken and bruised and you find your life is in pieces, my master can take the pieces of your life and turn them into a beautiful mosaic. If you are worn out and exhausted, my master gives rest to those who are weary and heavy burdened. One more thing. When you became a slave to my master, he makes you his son. He makes you his daughter. He calls you a friend." When I read this something clicked in my mind and heart. I am so tired. I need His rest. I cry even now as I write this because by the time I finished Chapter 10, I wanted to be His slave!

I took a few days to chew on that before I started reading chapter 11. I wanted to be a slave of Jesus, but I didn't necessarily know how. Chapter 11, titled "take up your cross daily — an everyday death" told me how. Honestly, this chapter had a teaching that is even harder than the idea of becoming a slave. Idleman says that not only does Jesus invite us to become slaves, he "invites followers to die to themselves. We die to our own desires, our pursuits, and our plans. When we become followers of Jesus, that is the end of us." Logically, I guess its not that different then becoming a slave. By definition slaves don't have self identity. That's what he's saying here only its much more clear. Idleman quoted C.S. Lewis when Lewis said "Christ says, "Give me all, I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out." Geez that's harsh. I just decided that I want to be a slave of Christ, but wow, that's asking an awful lot!

Idleman goes on to talk about "Choosing Death". He says that "Scientists talk about what's called the "Survival Instinct" within each of us. When our lives are threatened, self-preservation can drive us to extreme measures. That's why this slogan of Come and Die, and this symbol of the cross aren't just counter-cultural, they're counter-intuitive. Nothing about it makes sense or feels right. It goes against our Survival Instinct." Darn right it does!! Those warm brownies taste sooo good in my mouth. Why on earth would I want to give that up? Not even the dream of being thin makes me want to give that up!

But Idleman does give a reason why we would want to die. "It's only by dying to ourselves that we truly find life. When we finally let go of our lives we find real life in Christ." and again a couple of pages later, "Taking up a cross and dying to myself sounds like torture. We think that such a decision would make us miserable. Is that what it means to follow Jesus? We wake up every morning and commit to misery. But when we die to ourselves and completely surrender to him, there is a surprising side effect to dying; We discover true life. In a twist of irony, we find that giving up our lives gives us the life we so desperately wanted all along." Well, I do desperately want that life he's talking about, so that's what's prompted this post and the decisions I making today.

After reading all that I knew I had to do something. Like I said, I've been aware for sometime that my relationship with God was not all that it could be. But now it's decision time. God has laid it out for me. He is telling me "You want to have a real relationship with me? Do you mean it? Well here is what you have to do." I can't avoid it, I can't get around it. I can't claim that its unclear. It's crystal clear. So my decision today is to kill myself. I am going to do this day after day after day until I meet my Savior face to face. God has revealed to me that I need to stop spending money on junk food. He has also revealed to me that I need to get off Facebook. There are so many things that I could better be using that time and money for. Not the least of which is spending time in prayer and in His Word. But I know that there will be much more that He will reveal to me as time goes on. And I know that I will have days when I fail at this. I'm not perfect after all. But I am going to TRY.

Now I have a bad habit of not following through with things. I am praying that this doesn't get "added to the list". I've written three verses on my mirror.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." ~Luke 9:23 (Jesus)

"No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord." ~John 10:18 (Jesus speaking of his life)

"I die daily" ~1 Corinthians 15:31 (Paul's words)

My prayer is now Psalm 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit."

Now I know that this won't make sense to everyone who reads it, but Paul tells me in 1 Corinthians 1:18 "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." I know that's a strong statement to make. But there it is. And that's why I'm making the decisions that I am today. Please pray for me.